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When Putin Retires...

 

"Stalin taught people to stop eating"

 

Stalin decides to go out one day and see what it's really like for the workers, so he puts on a disguise and sneaks out of the Kremlin.

After a while he wanders into a cinema. When the film has finished, the Soviet Anthem plays and a huge picture of Stalin appears on the screen. Everyone stands up and begins singing, except Stalin, who smugly remains seated.

A minute later a man behind him leans forwards and whispers in his ear: "Listen Comrade, we all feel exactly the same way you do, but trust me, it's a lot safer if you just stand up."

KGB reports to Stalin that they've found a man who looks like the Soviet leader, impossible to tell who's who.
- Shoot him! - Stalin says.
KGB guys ask,
- Well, may be it's enough to just shave him?
- Sure, - says Stalin, - Great idea! Shave him.. and shoot!

A Communist party congress. Stalin starts his speech,
- We have two questions on the agenda today. First - we need to execute all the members of the political bureau. Second - we need to paint the Lenin Mausoleum bright green.
A feeble voice from the audience asks,
- But why bright green?
- Oh, good, I knew there'd be no objections to the first point.

Stalin reads a speech to an audience. And suddenly someone sneezes.
- Who did it?
Silence.
- First row, get up. Shoot them!
KGB shoots everyone from the first row.
- So, who sneezed?
Silence again.
- Second row, get up. Shoot them!
KGB kills everyone there.
- I say, who sneezed?
- Me! It was me! - cries a scared voice.
- Oh, bless you, comrade! Now, going on with my speech...

 
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